Are you in the wrong life?
Do you ever feel as if you’re in the wrong life? As if you’re not where you’re meant to be? It’s more common than you might think, and it’s very often at the heart of burnout. If that’s how you feel, maybe it’s time to find yourself again.
When you’re in the wrong life it can feel like your soul is being slowly crushed. Take the workplace scenario, for example; you’re keeping your head down, working relentlessly hard and being quietly diligent day in and day out. You steer clear of all the politics and don’t buy into the toxic behaviours, choosing instead to operate from a values base which matters to you. What you see, however, is bad behaviour being rewarded, with people less capable than you going further, faster, because they play the political game. It’s a familiar scenario and it’s one which can leave you feeling unseen at best, disrespected at worst. The environment you’re in no longer aligns with your values and you feel like you don’t ‘fit in.’ Over time, you start to realise that what you have to offer isn’t valued where you are but you know deep down that it will be somewhere – in a different place and in a different life. You’re not where you’re meant to be.
The same can be true in the home environment and it’s no surprise that those with heavy caring responsibilities can end up feeling the same way. The life they expected, hoped for and dreamed about has shifted into something which has slowly stripped away their identity so that they’re left wondering who they actually are and what their life’s purpose is beyond taking care of others. They aren’t being given the opportunity to share themselves and their talents fully with the world and so they bury those parts of themselves and lose sight of who they are.
Perhaps more surprisingly (if you’ve only ever thought of burnout in terms of workplace overwhelm) The Mental Health UK Burnout Report 2024 revealed that those surveyed who were unemployed experienced higher levels of stress and burnout than those in employment. Aside from all the obvious stresses unemployment can bring such as financial worries, sleepless nights, depression etc, it’s another example of how someone can find themselves in the wrong life. They’re not working, earning, contributing as they want to be and so they feel feel invisible in the world. They feel lost.
The systemic frustration of being in the wrong life and knowing you’re meant for more burns away slowly in the background and can eventually lead to a full-blown burnout. There are of course any number of additional contributory factors but when you strip away all the surrounding chaos, that feeling of being disconnected from purpose and self is very much at the heart of the physical, emotional and mental overwhelm which characterises burnout. It’s a deeply unsettling, but also deeply human, experience.
So if you feel like you’re in the wrong life, the key question you should be asking yourself is this: how will I bridge the gap between where I am now (my current reality) and where I want to be (my authentic life)? Here are a few things you can do to start making the shift in the right direction:
· Figure out where the feelings of disconnect are coming from. Is it your job, your relationship, your wider life? What or who is making you feel like you can’t quite be yourself? Sometimes the answer is obvious (for example, you’re unemployed and you can’t get the break you need to help you be the person you want to be – working, earning, contributing etc…) but sometimes you need to dig a bit deeper to work out what’s wrong. Try journaling or mind-mapping your thoughts to identify the underlying issues and to pinpoint what it is that’s missing from the authentic life you seek.
· Go back to your core values. What really matters to you? Is it integrity? Family? Financial security? Creativity? (you can do an exercise here to help you figure this out) Once you know what your core values are, you can start to see what areas of your life are out of alignment. For example, if creativity really matters to you but your job doesn’t allow you to express that in any way then you’ve got a values mismatch which won’t feel good. If integrity is the most important thing to you, but you operate in a workplace driven by politics, then you’re likely going to struggle with that mismatch as well. Once you identify your core values, you can then start figuring out how you’re going to reconnect with them.
· Start rebelling against the status quo with small acts which let you start to reclaim yourself. Read a book which teaches you how to embrace your creativity or watch a documentary about someone inspirational who acted with integrity against all the odds. Spend time with the people who remind you of who you really are – the people who see the real, authentic you, and limit your exposure to anyone who makes you feel anything less. Small acts such as these, over time, can have a bigger impact than you think, because they align with your values.
· Talk, talk, talk… it’s easy to disconnect from everyone around you when you feel like you’re in the wrong life, but that’s the very time when you need to reach out to others. Whether it’s family, friends or a trained therapist, start talking to someone you trust about what’s going on in your life. Verbalising what’s out of alignment in your current reality and figuring out what your authentic life could look like, is a vital step in making change happen.
Ultimately, if you feel like you’re in the wrong life, something has to change. It might be that your job has to change so that you’re doing something which better aligns with your core values, or it might be that ending a relationship is the key. It might be that the caring responsibilities you have are so heavy that you need to ask the people around you to support you as you re-prioritise self-care.
Whatever happens, don’t ignore the discomfort and disconnection you’re feeling in the hope that it’ll go away. It’s a signal from deep within that something needs to change – that a part of you needs to be seen or acknowledged or restored in some way - and you absolutely owe it to yourself to live a life which celebrates all that you are.
